The fucking cancer returned. I'm convinced that what was taken from around her lungs in early Sept. was the cancer as it moved into the lining of her lungs. The cancer marker in her blood in late August was something like 123. She was re-tested at the end of September. The cancer marker was 368. They tried her on a new chemo regime, but it only knocked her down - nausea especially. She got to make the trip to Oklahoma City with my dad, her sister and brother-in-law, and her mother and step-father. She put off starting the chemo by a week so she'd be able to go. Turns out that week wouldn't have made a difference.

Part of the problems she's had with the cancer is an inability to have a bowel movement. It has been at least two, maybe three weeks since that happened for her. She is also not eating because of the pain in her abdomen, where the cancer started and continues to grow.

Because the chemo. hit her hard, my dad took her to the hospital last Sunday. They gave her a couple of enemas but nothing got moving. She has told my dad that she is done fighting. No more chemo, no more cutting. She is done fighting.

My dad called tonight. The doctor's concur that there is nothing more to be done for my mom. They are sending her home tomorrow to die.

I am so proud of her for putting herself through everything that she did. Since last Thanksgiving, she's not been herself - more like a shadow. But there were some times when I could see that old glimmer. I think Mom guarded that, though as she didn't want us to get our hopes up. I think she knew the whole time that this wasn't something she was beating and that the doctor's estimate of 5-6 years was a crock of shit.

Still, she did the chemo and it probably doubled the time she had left. Amy and I were talking about all the things she got to do and see with her extra time. She got to see Accalia and Cole each have another birthday. She got to see Accalia's first (and second) dance recitals. Got to come to another Riverboat Days parade with us (she really seemed to enjoy that, sitting out in the sun with the grandkids). She got to camp a little bit more and had the time to put things in order.

I am so hurt right now. Thank God for Amy and the kids. I'm scared for Dad. I don't want to say goodbye to Mom. ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!