Oops... need to print a correction. Turns out they had taken my aunt Terri's mother off life support. About 15 minutes after that, her mother started breathing on her own. The feeding tube was put back in, etc. Sounds as though it is a matter of time as she's still not doing well.

My mom's procedure today went well. They took out the pic line and put in the port-a-cath (in reverse order). She goes in tomorrow for round 3 of the chemo. I continue to pray that it won't make her sick.

Mom continues to do well. Still not perfect, but the chemo seems to be holding back the cancer. Or not. It does seem as though oncologists get off on telling families nothing. Maybe it is just the docs here, thinking we hicks can't handle hearing bad news. Anyway, Mom is a bit nervous about the procedure for the port-a-cath but is looking forward to being able to wear sleeves on both arms again.

Got word tonight that my aunt Terri's mother died following a recent heart attack. Terri married my mom's brother when I was a kid. Ken had two kids from another marriage and the family liked his ex a lot. To say Terri had an uphill climb is a huge understatement. She worked and did find her way into everyone's heart. On the day after my Mom's surgery, Terri and Ken (who were up from OK to surprise my grandmother) brought my grandparents down to visit my mom and to lend their support to us. They'll never know how much that meant to me. When I saw my grandma that day, my heart just broke. Terri said a prayer that day that I can't recall. Just remember when it was done feeling that as we embraced as a family, there was something embracing all of us. My prayers tonight are with Terri, Ken and their family. I don't know what it is like to lose a parent, but I've gotten close enough to have an inkling of the pain.

My kids continue to amaze and delight. Amy called me today and put Cole on the phone. He said "hi" for the first time on the phone! He also apparently went into the bathroom today, took off his diaper and peed on the floor. At least he found the right room! Accalia had to show me her room when I got home between jobs today. She'd picked up toys and made her bed. Getting to be a big girl. Still can feel them the weight of them in my arms after they were born.

Anyway, time to close. Need to start marshalling my strength for a coming winter storm.

Mom has had a couple of good days. Dad has been emailing regular updates. Said today has been one of her best since this whole thing started. Mom goes in for a port-a-cath on Wed. Not sure exactly why they are doing it. It will give Mom a little more freedom that she doesn't have now with the line in her arm.

Not much else happening. Mom is going to be making the rounds (with Dad, of course) in a couple of weeks. I want to get the house as clean as possible before she gets here. Not that it is awful, just cluttered.

Ended up losing it after tonight's episode of Survivor. One of the contestant had a mother with cancer and took herself out of the game so she could go and spend some time with her mother. At the end of the show, the put a notice on the screen that 8 days after she left, her mother lost her battle with cancer.

I started crying because I know about 1/4 of what she must have gone through. It sounds like her mother fought the disease for a long, long time. I was also so happy that she made the choice to go home and be with her mother at the end. If it reaches that point with my mother, I know I want to be there with her, holding her hand, or even just sitting in the room with her. If she has to die, I want it to be surrounded by those that love her. I have this feeling though, that she and dad won't tell us if things are getting that bad where we need to start sitting vigil. I have this feeling that some day in the future, I'll get a phone call and be told my mom is dead.

There are days, at least times of days, when I forget what is going on. When I catch myself doing that, I feel so guilty because I feel this should be in my thoughts, my mom should constantly be in my prayers. I feel like such a shit because that isn't happening. I also feel like a shit because I've been really frustrated with her this week.

She had a couple of bad days this week - my dad said it was primarily constipation and some pain associated with it. She'd been told this could happen and was told to expect some ups and downs with the treatment. As soon as she hit the down, she started talking about giving up again. When I heard that, for a split second I thought that it might be for the best, that this isn't a fight she can win, so why bother? Then I looked at my kids and thought about how I want them to remember their grandma as more than someone in a picture, more than someone on a video.

I've also been thinking off and on this week about the trip my family took to Disney in 2002. Mom and Dad paid for us to travel there, paid for our hotel, paid for our admission to the parks. The only thing we had to pay for was meals and souviners. I bitched about the heat and humidity (it WAS late May) but that is just me. I did have a great time. I'd been to Disney World/Epcot when I was 12 with my brother and my folks. One of our last big family vacations together. Being back at Disney brought back a lot of the memories of the trip when I was a boy.

ANYWAY, it was a good trip. We got there and immediately went to the MGM park. Would have been better had we actually been able to eat between flights, but hey, that's what vacations are all about. The next day we went to Animal Kingdom. The day after that was the Magic Kingdom and Epcot. The last day was the Magic Kingdom. On the last night, Mom and Dad took us to one of the restaurants on Main Street USA where we dined with characters from Winnie the Pooh. We left after that to head back to the hotel. Accalia started crying, knowing we'd not be back to Disney World because we were flying out the next day.

The flight back was a bit more relaxed. My folks took us to Amy's parent's house in Mankato, where we'd left our vehicle and dog. I remember that I didn't want the trip to actually come to an end. I didn't want it to become only memories.

Time for bed. I have to get up in the morning and train correctional officers in what to look for to prevent suicide among inmates.

Okay, been a long time since I posted. Mom decided to go back in for more chemo. At her appointment last week, she found out three things. The first is that she doesn't have ovarian cancer. She has a cancer in the sac that surrounds her abdominal organs - a really nasty, primarily fatal cancer. Everthing I've read about it says that death is just a matter of when. The second thing she heard from her doctor is that with treatment, her prognosis would be 60-72 months. Without treatment, 8. That helped make the decision, I think. The third thing is that she hadn't been advised in how to properly use her anti-nausea medication. That has been resolved.

Anyway, I guess she is losing some hair, has had some joint pain, and is tired. Beyond that, no nausea. When I talked with her on Sunday, she said she was thinking about camping this summer. From preparing to die to preparing to live as much as she can. She also talked about going in for her third round of chemo.

I know the odds aren't in Mom's favor at the moment, but if she does fight this, who's to say what advances in treatment of cancer there wil be in the next few years?

We need to get back to my folks for a visit, but that is going to depend on my parents and the weather (which seems to always be about snow this last week). I'm hoping one of the next couple of weekends we'll get there, even if it is to go on Saturday and leave on Sunday. It was the weekend before her treatment that she was doing her best the last time. That would be President's Day weekend.