Ended up losing it after tonight's episode of Survivor. One of the contestant had a mother with cancer and took herself out of the game so she could go and spend some time with her mother. At the end of the show, the put a notice on the screen that 8 days after she left, her mother lost her battle with cancer.

I started crying because I know about 1/4 of what she must have gone through. It sounds like her mother fought the disease for a long, long time. I was also so happy that she made the choice to go home and be with her mother at the end. If it reaches that point with my mother, I know I want to be there with her, holding her hand, or even just sitting in the room with her. If she has to die, I want it to be surrounded by those that love her. I have this feeling though, that she and dad won't tell us if things are getting that bad where we need to start sitting vigil. I have this feeling that some day in the future, I'll get a phone call and be told my mom is dead.

There are days, at least times of days, when I forget what is going on. When I catch myself doing that, I feel so guilty because I feel this should be in my thoughts, my mom should constantly be in my prayers. I feel like such a shit because that isn't happening. I also feel like a shit because I've been really frustrated with her this week.

She had a couple of bad days this week - my dad said it was primarily constipation and some pain associated with it. She'd been told this could happen and was told to expect some ups and downs with the treatment. As soon as she hit the down, she started talking about giving up again. When I heard that, for a split second I thought that it might be for the best, that this isn't a fight she can win, so why bother? Then I looked at my kids and thought about how I want them to remember their grandma as more than someone in a picture, more than someone on a video.

I've also been thinking off and on this week about the trip my family took to Disney in 2002. Mom and Dad paid for us to travel there, paid for our hotel, paid for our admission to the parks. The only thing we had to pay for was meals and souviners. I bitched about the heat and humidity (it WAS late May) but that is just me. I did have a great time. I'd been to Disney World/Epcot when I was 12 with my brother and my folks. One of our last big family vacations together. Being back at Disney brought back a lot of the memories of the trip when I was a boy.

ANYWAY, it was a good trip. We got there and immediately went to the MGM park. Would have been better had we actually been able to eat between flights, but hey, that's what vacations are all about. The next day we went to Animal Kingdom. The day after that was the Magic Kingdom and Epcot. The last day was the Magic Kingdom. On the last night, Mom and Dad took us to one of the restaurants on Main Street USA where we dined with characters from Winnie the Pooh. We left after that to head back to the hotel. Accalia started crying, knowing we'd not be back to Disney World because we were flying out the next day.

The flight back was a bit more relaxed. My folks took us to Amy's parent's house in Mankato, where we'd left our vehicle and dog. I remember that I didn't want the trip to actually come to an end. I didn't want it to become only memories.

Time for bed. I have to get up in the morning and train correctional officers in what to look for to prevent suicide among inmates.