Managed to end the trip by getting a nasty cold. Everyone in the family is sick, including my brother, who is actually going to use some of his sick time tomorrow (and he never does that, so he must really be feeling crappy).

Our trip to Mankato was delayed by a couple of hours. Accalia ended up throwing up a couple of times in the night but was fine after getting a nap in this morning. We got to the in-laws and spent most of the week eating and visiting friends and family. We even braved some of the holiday crowds to shop a little, though not as much as the week wore on and Christmas approached.

We were up bright and early on Christmas day to head to my aunt’s house. The kids were awesome as far as traveling went on the long journeys. We got to my aunt’s, had dinner, visited. It was nice. There was a huge hole in all our lives, but it was nice to be there just the same.

As the holiday neared, I was more and more grouchy, snappy with the kids and Amy, etc. I did finally break down a couple of times. I still don’t want Mom to be gone. To see my Dad’s pain hurts me so much. He doesn’t let it out a lot, just gives glimpses and regains his composure. We invited Dad to come to our house for New Year’s, as he and Mom used to get together with their friends in L.W. that night. Dad wasn’t sure what he’d do at this point. I won’t be surprised if he opts to stay there and have an evening with his friends.

I found myself wanting to tell Mom about Accalia getting sick and how I’d slept beside her on the air mattress on the floor. How I’d managed to clean her up and the spots where she threw up without throwing up (or wanting to) myself. Big events in the life of a parent. I miss hearing the sounds Mom would make when she was worried about us.

Accalia is sick, puking and unable to keep anything down. We were going to be on the road by 8:00 tomorrow, don’t think that is going to happen now.

My parent’s anniversary. Tomorrow is my last day of work before we head off to Amy’s parents for the week before Christmas. Should be fun as I’ve not spent a lot of time there since Mom got sick. I’d feel a little guilty for being there and not at my parent’s.

Went home over the weekend. Actually went there on Saturday after Amy got done with her La Leche League meeting. Had to make a couple stops in Sioux Falls, one at the mall. The biggest mall in something like a 250-300 mile radius two Saturdays before Christmas. Yep. A lot of fun. We ended up parking in a restaurant parking lot that was adjacent to the mall lot and I walked. People 5 deep at the food court… Not fun at all.

Anyway, the fire dept. and first responders in Lake Wilson were having an open house to celebrate their new building being completed. Dad said they’ve had other depts. jealous of all the equipment they now have. I guess an US Senator from MN told the mayor that the fire dept. in L.W. is better equipped than the one in Rochester. Kids had fun running around and looking at all the trucks.

Dad had to work as he is both a responder and a fire man (and on the city council). He had us go through some of Mom’s stuff to see if there is anything we wanted. Amy found a few things that will fit her. I think Mom would be flattered because she was always talking about how thin Amy is. Mom would also be happy in that Amy picked out a couple of sweaters and Mom was big into people not being cold.

Dad gave us some pictures he’d come across while cleaning. I was a little taken aback at first, then I realized that they were the pictures he’s found loose while cleaning things out. I think he just doesn’t want to mess with putting the pictures in a scrapbook or anything.

Went through the Christmas cards Dad received. Lots of condolences included in the holiday greetings. There was one thing that kind of pissed me off. Dad’s sister (middle child, Dad is youngest in his family) put in her note to him that he was welcome to come to her house on Christmas because he doesn’t need to be alone on Christmas. Yeah. I’m pissed because she apparently doesn’t realize there is NO way I’d let that happen, even if Dad didn’t want to celebrate Christmas, we’d at least all be together. I have to wonder if she assumes that Mark and I are just going to abandon Dad. Maybe she hasn’t paid attention to who raised us. I’m happy that she invited him to join them, but it’s that implied "since your kids will abandon you, you can come here."

In terms of Christmas this year, it sounds like (God willing), we’ll be going to Mom’s sister’s house on Christmas day. Dad was planning on going there, and didn’t think we’d want to make the trip from Mankato. We’ve done it before. Granted, it was the first year we were married and we had no kids, but we did it. We’ll do it this year because it’s important that we’re all together at Christmas, especially this Christmas. I had to tell myself to remain calm when Dad told me to load up the presents to us under his tree. I told him that we’ll open them when we see him on Christmas.

Got to see the artists design of the marker. Very pretty. Dad said it’ll be something like 3’x 4’. I’m glad he decided not to skimp on it. He and Mom will be sharing a plot in the cemetery in L.W. Dad is also going to be cremated, so their remains won’t be there (Dad has talked about burying some of Mom’s remains there once the stone is in place and I’ll probably do the same for some of Dad’s remains after he is gone).

Dad lost re-election, as I think I mentioned before. I guess the father of the guy who beat Dad asked one of the other council members if the council meetings were important. Turns out the guy has a class on Thursday nights until June. I’d write into the local papers and demand a resignation, but it would look like sour grapes. I overheard the mayor of L.W. talking with Dad about the hours he’s now having to put in on his job (he’s out of town Mon.-Thurs., now going to be out more often until Fri.) and said he’s thought about giving up his position. He then asked Dad if he wanted the position. Dad said no, but I guess I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up as mayor (when I asked about it, he said there would either have to be a special election or the council would have to appoint someone to the position – he wasn’t sure which).

I had a dream about Mom last night. A very odd dream, very weird, and one I wish were fact. I actually woke up, realized it had been a dream and tried to go back to sleep to recapture it.

In the dream, Mark’s family and my family were all gathered at my house in Yankton, though it wasn’t exactly my house. There was a porch on it and an old screen door on the front. My dad came into the house and told us he had a surprise for us. Mom walked through the door, backed by all the light from outside the house. She looked thinner than she was before she’d gotten sick, but not as gaunt as she became in those last weeks. Her smile in the dream was just beaming. She told us that she’d not died after all, that there was an experimental chemotherapy which had put her into a deep coma. When the doctors woke her up, she was scanned and had blood drawn and was found to be completely and totally cancer free! We were all bawling and hugging. I told her that I’d seen her cremated remains. She laughed at that, saying she’d seen them as well, that it wasn’t really her at all.

I’m not huge into dream interpretation as a therapist, possibly because I don’t often recall what I dream. What I have recalled since Mom died is mostly dreams about my father. I know that I’ve been very worried about him.

Anyway, I thought about the dream while I was getting ready for work. Tomorrow will be a month since Mom died. Some days it seems like a lot longer than that, other days a lot shorter. I think the dream was a couple of things. First, the fantasy of a boy who misses his mom. I want her back SO much, but only on my terms (see how the world should work?), which is to say cancer free, healthy and happy. The second thing I thought of was maybe this was Mom’s way of letting me know that she is okay. That she no longer has the cancer, that she’s no longer hurting and the body she left behind really wasn’t her, it was just the cocoon that she left behind when she was transformed.

This was the first dream I’ve had of Mom since her death. In a lot of ways, I’m grateful that I could recall the dream because I know Amy has had several dreams about Mom and I’d not had any. Had me thinking something wasn’t quite right with me and how I was going about grieving the loss.

Was flown to Rapid City today as part of the job. While up there, I started thinking about the handful of times I’ve flown in my life and how, before yesterday, there had been only a couple of times I’d flown without Mom along.

When I was about 6, my parents took us to CA to Disneyland and some other attractions. The plane ride was very cool.

When I was 12, we went on a vacation to Florida (more Disney!)

A year or so after that, a cousin was getting married in Oregon, so Mom, her sister, her mother, my cousin and I flew out for the wedding. Also a fun trip with the exception of a little turbulence which got my grandmother seriously freaked out.

The next time I flew was when I was 23 – going to spring break in Mazatlan.

I next flew as part of my job in December of 2001– attending a conference on terrorist response by mental health at the FEMA regional headquarters in Denver.

Mom and Dad flew out Amy, Accalia, and I in May of 2002 to Florida (where we met up with Mark and his family) for their retirement gift to each other and to us. A family trip to the Disney parks.

Then I flew again today. I know, extremely exciting stuff.

Haven’t heard back from Dad yet regarding what he wants to do for Christmas. I know it is going to be very tough, as will 8 days from now when it would have been his 38th anniversary with Mom. Mark and Shannon both responded, saying they’re waiting to see what Dad wants to do and will follow his lead. Shannon added that Mark is thinking of getting Dad a gift certificate to the Humane Society in Sioux Falls for a pet. I think we all know Dad’s not ready right now, but he I can definitely see him with a dog within the next year or so. For the companionship, if nothing else.

It was a month ago that I last spoke with my mom, last heard her tell me she loved me. In a couple of days, we’ll be at the 1 month mark from her death. It is all so odd. Dad has taken up Mom’s habit of calling every Sunday. The conversations have been stilted, in part because I think neither of us wants to say anything that would make the other cry. Dad is trying to stay busy. He went to Madison yesterday to see the Master Singers perform (a holiday tradition of my parents after they emptied the nest). He is planning to go to Redfield and visit with Mom’s family in about a week. He sorted through Mom’s Snow Baby collection. I don’t recall how long she’d been collecting, but she’d get a couple every Christmas and usually one on her birthday. She had a fairly sizeable collection. Before she died, she went through them all and marked who she wanted them to go to after she died. I think all her nieces and their kids are getting one, as are Mark and I and our kids. I think Dad may be holding on to a couple. It is going to be odd seeing the china hutch without the collection on it.

It also sounds like Dad has gotten through a lot of Mom’s clothes and other stuff. He wants to get it done, I think in part because Mom told him not to hang on to much of anything and get rid of her stuff as soon as he was ready.

I broke down last night after getting an email from Mom’s sister, inviting all of us to their house for Christmas. Honestly don’t know if we’re going there, to Lake Wilson, to Mark’s house, or home on Christmas. Mom used to get things arranged, or at least got people talking about plans, for the holidays. It seems like that role may be falling to me (at least it did with Thanksgiving).

Mom loved Christmas. Last year was not a great one as she was still recovering from the surgery and knew that it would likely be her last with us. I’ve been trying to recall Christmas of 2002. If I’m recalling correctly, we spent Christmas Day with my parents at their house in Lake Wilson – it was Cole’s first Christmas. We’d moved back to Yankton a few months before the holiday.

At some point, I need to go through videotapes we have. At some point, I need to see Mom alive, if only on the screen, if only captured for that brief moment in time.