I think every time I come back here, I am blown away by how long it has been since I've updated. I guess I'm spending more time on Facebook and am not posting what is going on here. It has been a busy couple of months - seems that we continue to take a step forward and two steps back financially. The private practice I was a part of folded in the summer. I was given a choice as to if I wanted to take it over. I didn't primarily because there were not enough clients to keep the place open. There was little advertising, little done to generate a client base. I really didn't feel as though that practice was my dream, so I let it go. I did end up picking up more hours at the Hut. Woo hoo. Have an idea for a new business and am working up the business plan, including advertising and marketing ideas. If it were to go, I might be able to FINALLY put the Hut behind me. Next financial thing we may be facing - Amy may need knee surgery. She said the knee is feeling better, but she can still feel things floating around the knee.

So, my time on Facebook is kind of my theme today. I got on FB about 16 mos. ago. I have re-connected with a lot of friends. About 7 mos. ago, an ex. sent a friend request. It took me a little while to accept her request, but I did. I was guarded but decided that enough time had passed and if she wanted to be friends, I was willing to give it a shot, at least on FB.

We've chatted a few times and gotten a bit caught up with each other. Then about a week ago, she wrote a message apologizing for how she had treated me when I went to visit her at college.

Thinking back to that event, I think we had been broken up for about 2.5 years. We saw each other outside of the store in Lake Wilson and exchanged numbers. She had called me at SDSU late one night after having some trouble w. her boyfriend (I may be remembering this incorrectly, I'll admit). We spoke for awhile and I think I called her again the next day. There was an agreement (can't recall how it was initiated or by whom) that I'd stop by to visit here. So, one evening, I hit the road and got to her dorm room and was told by her roommate that she was taking a bath or getting ready. I waited there for awhile and, when she appeared, had only a few minutes to talk with her because she and her friends were all going out. I walked with the group of them out of the dorm and to my car. On the drive back to SDSU that night, I had an epiphany. I decided that I was done getting jerked around by this woman. That I'd no longer allow myself to believe there was any hope of a reconciliation, that I needed to get on with my life and get about healing the damage that had been done. I ended up lying to her in a letter soon after the visit and told her I was engaged. After that visit, the contact between us soon tapered off to nothing. Had I not made that decision, I likely would have felt very used. Instead, I looked at it as confirmation that I had made the correct decision.

I spent the next year and a half finally allowing myself to heal. It took a lot of work. I felt so unloving, so unloved, so unlovable. I had a great deal of anger to work through and had to get to the emotions under the anger - the fear, embarrassment, guilt, remorse, grief, sadness, pessimism, hopelessness, depression, distrust, shame... I had to reclaim my self-esteem because there had been so many unanswered questions about how we ended and I generated a lot of reasons as to how I had screwed up to chase her away. Nothing grounded in reality, but it was stuff that I believed and had to unlearn.

I came out the other side much stronger. During this time, I had met a woman who worked at the CAP Center. We had flirted at the dept. Christmas party. I could see the potential for an "us" there, so I worked harder. A trip to the Hills in March sealed the deal. I hung out with some good friends there and something just clicked. On the drive home, I knew that I was going to ask the woman at the CAP Center out. Little did I know that she would end up my wife, partner, and best friend. Took almost four years to get past that first relationship. Happily for me, the second relationship has been the charm.

Back to the FB stuff. The ex. and I were chatting again earlier this week. She expressed that I will always be special to her and she apologized for any pain she caused. I let her know that I forgive her. The apology did mean a lot to me. She will always have a special place in my heart as a treasured friend.

I do mean that. She was my first love. Without her and what I found with her, I never would have known what was possible and how wonderful life can be in a relationship. Looking back, I'd say it was true love, at least it was for me. I don't believe that can ever be discounted, though I did learn that even true love can end. I was lucky enough to find true love again with Amy. I also think getting my heart broken (and put back together again) gives me an appreciation for what I have.