Got back from my parent's house earlier today. I went up on Friday and spent the night and part of Sat. Things aren't good. On Tues. or Wed., Mom started throwing up. She is bringing up fecal material. Add to that the fact that she's not eaten in about 24 days (outside of a few crackers and some frozen nectar) and it adds up to bad news.

I'm having trouble sleeping, which is why I'm blogging. I did fall asleep on the couch for about 30 minutes tonight, which always screws my sleep over. I also know that I'm not sleeping because (and this will likely sound stupid) I want to be conscious with both my parents as long as I can. Weird, I know. I've also noticed that I've been needing to sleep with more light - not scared of the dark, just don't like that initial descent when the lights go out unless there is something there to soften it.

Mark went on Thurs. to see Mom. My aunt, uncle, and grandparents were there, as was my cousin and her baby. Dad said seeing her really brightened Mom up. Mark called Thurs. night and asked that I go alone to see Mom as the folks felt the kids might get too loud and disturb Mom's already lousy sleep. So I went alone. Didn't want to as I always feel better with Amy near me. I also felt bad because Amy broke down Thurs. night as she realized that our going last week to Lake Wilson was likely the last time she'd see Mom.

When I arrived, Dad was out for a walk, Mom was sleeping. Dad informed me that hospice had been in twice in the day, once in the very early hours, once in the early afternoon. He also told me that Mom had been asking for his permission to go. He said he told her that he loved her with his whole heart but knew that she had to go and be at peace. He finished by telling me that the hospice nurse had told him that Mom wouldn't likely go on Fri. I guess when hospice is where you work, you develop a sense of these things.

Mom woke up for a bit in the evening and we talked. I shared with her and Dad the kids' experience at the concert we went to on Wednesday. Mom was feeling a bit nauseated, so Dad called hospice to come over. Only no one answered their phones, so he went to the next nurse on the list. No answer there either, so he called the sherrif's office to have hospice paged (standard procedure if hospice can't be reached). Since Dad is a First Responder and fireman, he has a pager similar to hospice, so we kind of listened to that. No page. Luckily, the nurse on-call saw that she'd missed a call and called Dad and got over to help Mom. She gave Mom a shot and increased the amount of medication admistered by the pain pump so that Mom's quality of sleep could improve a little. When she left, she told us that Mom's color, etc. had deteriorated even since she'd seen Mom earlier in the day. She talked about how systems may start shutting down and how she's seen patients with weaker hearts than Mom's continue on.

After she left, Dad and I shared a few tears, then he started telling me about them finalizing things with the funeral home. Mom is being cremated, so we'll have a limitied time to get home if we want to view her before that is done. Dad said Mark is likely going to go view Mom but that he, Dad, won't as he doesn't want to remember her like that. I'm torn. I kind of feel it is my duty as her child, but I know that is just going to be an empty shell, where her soul dwelt until it is set free. Instead of actually deciding, I am going to leave it that if Mark wants me along for support, I'll go along. If not, I don't think I will. When I left today and gave Mom a kiss, I kissed living flesh. I'd prefer that memory.

It sounds as though one of Dad's sisters will play at the service. Also was told that it will be a pretty standard service and that Dad isn't expecting a lot of people to show up. I think (hope) he'll be surprised. He said that we can chose to have Mom's remains there or not, a decision he, Mark, and I will make after everything happens.

He and Mom also decided on the marker. It will read, "PEACE." Something we've all been praying Mom will find so that she doesn't have to suffer much longer.

I asked about what will happen immediately after Mom dies. Dad will call hospice and they'll come and arrange for the funeral home to come. He'll also call some friends of the family, David and Linda Johnson, to come and be with him. Mark and I will be called, of course, and will en route ASAP. I was very worried that Dad would be alone when Mom dies. I was relieved to hear that there are plans in place.

Mom did eat a little this morning. She had me mix up some pear nectar with a couple of ice cubes, basically to make a slush. She got through a little of it and had kept it down still by the time I'd left. I ended up making more with the remaining nectar. She's probably getting the equivalent of 2 oz. of the nectar, but said it was good. She is still getting up to use the toilet, still taking in fluids.

The Johnson's stopped this morning to check in on things (as they've been doing periodically, which I know I appreciate SO much). Linda commented on how much she has learned from what Mom has been and is going through and also by watching Dad. She said she is blown away by Dad in this whole thing.

I know that I am as well. As I was driving back today, I was thinking about what Dad has been through in the last year and how he has been there for Mom, never complaining, always patient with her, treasuring whatever remainng moments he has. I thought about how as a kid, I wanted to grow up to be a fireman or an airline pilot. Now I know that I want to grow up to be my dad. I am proud of him for everything he's done for Mom and for himself in the last year. I've always had love, respect and pride where Dad was concerned - everything is heightened now and not because he's about to be my only parent.

When I left, I told Mom that Amy and the kids loved her. I also told her a couple times that I loved her (but it still feels like I could never tell her that enough) and she told me that she loved me.

Had a very good talk with Dad before I left. I feel he is accepting this and is as at peace with it as any of us can be right now. He doesn't want to lose her, but admitted he's been praying for God to come and take her so she doesn't have to suffer anymore. That's what I've been praying for as well.