Kids had fun tonight and it was a beautiful night.

Mom is still hanging on. We stopped on Friday and again today to see her. The vomitting has worsened a bit and she is no longer taking even tne nectar, meaning she is taking in no calories. She is very skinny, even more so than when I saw her last week.

Since Amy last saw her two weeks ago, I think the change in Mom hit her hard. It is one thing to hear that a person had lost a lot of weight, another to see it in person.

On Friday, Cole brought in his truck and "talked" to us while we sat with Mom. He started giiving people five. Mom put out her hand for Cole, who eagerly gave firve to his Grandma.

The life is gone from her eyes, though. She is so, so ready to die. I'm getting so pissed with my creator for not having mercy on her and releasing her from the prison she is in right now. I keep praying and nothing happens other than she gets worse and worse. That is fine, but let it end. Dad has been wonderful with Mom, but this is taking more out of him each day.

FUCK!

I keep telling myself that everything happens in its own time. Mom and Dad always were preaching patience to me (esp. Mom, probably because she was relatively short in that area herself). I have learned more patience over the years. I know that I can not comprehend what God has planned for my mother and that it is not mine to know. I can only continue to pray for her to not be in pain anymore and that God continue to sustain Dad and give all of us strength in the days and weeks to come.


Psalm 121 :: New International Version (NIV)

A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD ,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip-
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you-
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

One more tonight before I turn in. Mom wants two songs played at her memorial. Here are the lyrics to one of the songs:


WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"

I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Oh yeah


Good night, Mom. I pray that your pain ends soon. Good night, Dad. I pray for your continued strength and for God to continue to give you comfort in knowing that Mom won't be hurting much longer. I love both of you.

Still awake.

One thing I thought of today as I was driving home is the whole stem cell debate that is going on with the upcoming elections. I have some big problems with the radical right's position on the matter. As a country, we have a history of performing attrocities on our own people for the sake of progress. Hell, the U.S. government wiped out how many indigenous people? How many experiments were performed on people, some without even having knowledge that it was being done? How many people died from the smallpox vaccine that they were ORDERED to get because people like Saddam had biological weapons (oops, make that did have but got rid of them but was planning on getting them back someday so we needed to kill off or injure at least a couple thousand American lives and countless innocent Iraqui lives to be sure that he wouldn't get them back)? I mean, come on. I'd be willing to bet right now at some level in the government, there is a someone sitting in an office thinking about dirty bombs and the long term effects and is thinking about finding some people that will get a radioactive pebble shoved up their ass so we can find out what the effects of that type of continuous exposure would be. OUR GOVERNMENT EXPOSED PEOPLE TO NUCLEAR FALLOUT AND PUT TROOPS NEAR THE TEST BLASTS BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!!!!

For us to suddenly be taking the high road. It is fucking ridiculous. The research is still young, but the promise of the stem cells. We could be looking at an end to Parkinson's, Alzheimers, cancer.... and those are just the big things. Of course, we have a sitting president who is fearful of the research. Don't understand why entirely as I'm confident even a bufoon like W can pronounce "stem cells." Could it be because he's got stock in (and lots of contributions from) the pharmaceutical companies? And isn't it more expensive to treat the disease rather than cure it? Doesn't that mean more money for those companies to make new drugs so that guys can maintain an erection for 48 hours (guess we can infer a little about the personal lives of the people running the companies, huh)? Of course it does.

Quick question. How many people were directly effected by the attacks on 9/11? How many people do you know who died in the terrorist attacks? How many people do you know who lost someone in the attack? How many of you know someone who knows someone who lost someone?

Second question: How many of you have lost someone to cancer? How many people do you know with cancer? With Parkinson's? With Alzheimer's?

I'd wager the answer to the first question was that very few knew someone who suffered a loss by 9/11 and a great many have lost someone or have a loved one with one of those diseases. I know that I have lost a grandmother (and soon a mother) to cancer. Amy lost two of her grandparents to cancer and has a grandmother who has battled breast cancer. My dad had skin cancer.

My point is this: 9/11 was a tragedy, but we are losing more people to the above mentioned diseases and have more people affected by those diseases (cancer alone!) in a year than if we were to have an attack equal to 9/11 every day of the year.

CANCER: Incidence : 1,248,900 annual cases (SEER 2002 estimate)  Lifetime risk for Cancer: about 1 in 3 lifetime risk (Canadian Cancer Statistics, National Cancer Institute of Canada, 2004) Deaths from Cancer: 555,500 annual deaths (SEER 2002 estimate)  Cause of death rank: 2nd top cause of death in 1999 and 2000 (CDC)
PARKINSON'S: Estimated that 2-5 million people have the disease, 14,593 deaths reported in USA 1999 (NVSR Sep 2001)
ALZHEIMER'S: 4.5 million cases in America (Alzheimer’s Association, 2004) Prevalence expected to increase to 11.3-16 million cases in America by 2050 (Alzheimer’s Association, 2004). 19 million people had a family member with Alzheimer's in the US (ADEAR). 53,852 deaths in USA 2001 (CDC); Cause of death rank: 8th leading cause of death in 1999 and 2000 (CDC)

So, let's see. That equals a total of about 7.75 million people having one of these diseases and an estimated total of 623800 dying of one of the diseases. Over 8.3 million people. The last tally of # confirmed dead on 9/11 was around 3000 people. It would take 207 9/11's to occur to match that number of people killed.

So, we spend how many bilions of dollars to fight terrorists - don't actually wipe out their leader when there is a chance, but shift focus to a region with what we want (especially if we are Texas oil men) - oil.

We don't have the right priorities in the country. I'm not saying the embryonic stem cell research is the way to go, far from it. I just find it laughable that the people shouting that research down are also some of the same people who grouped around televisions while our country bombed the hell out of another country and wiped out some innocent people.

We have so much ill will being directed toward us now from other countries. Gee, do you think that maybe wiping out a couple of debilitating diseases might lift our country in the eyes of others? Maybe? I'd think it more difficult to find people to attack the country that just wiped those diseases from the face of this earth. More difficult than to go after the people that invaded another country and tried to push their morals, ethics, and beliefs upon the people of that country (hey, didn't we kick Iraq's ass the first time around because they dared to do the very same thing we are doing now?).

Okay. That's my rant.

Got back from my parent's house earlier today. I went up on Friday and spent the night and part of Sat. Things aren't good. On Tues. or Wed., Mom started throwing up. She is bringing up fecal material. Add to that the fact that she's not eaten in about 24 days (outside of a few crackers and some frozen nectar) and it adds up to bad news.

I'm having trouble sleeping, which is why I'm blogging. I did fall asleep on the couch for about 30 minutes tonight, which always screws my sleep over. I also know that I'm not sleeping because (and this will likely sound stupid) I want to be conscious with both my parents as long as I can. Weird, I know. I've also noticed that I've been needing to sleep with more light - not scared of the dark, just don't like that initial descent when the lights go out unless there is something there to soften it.

Mark went on Thurs. to see Mom. My aunt, uncle, and grandparents were there, as was my cousin and her baby. Dad said seeing her really brightened Mom up. Mark called Thurs. night and asked that I go alone to see Mom as the folks felt the kids might get too loud and disturb Mom's already lousy sleep. So I went alone. Didn't want to as I always feel better with Amy near me. I also felt bad because Amy broke down Thurs. night as she realized that our going last week to Lake Wilson was likely the last time she'd see Mom.

When I arrived, Dad was out for a walk, Mom was sleeping. Dad informed me that hospice had been in twice in the day, once in the very early hours, once in the early afternoon. He also told me that Mom had been asking for his permission to go. He said he told her that he loved her with his whole heart but knew that she had to go and be at peace. He finished by telling me that the hospice nurse had told him that Mom wouldn't likely go on Fri. I guess when hospice is where you work, you develop a sense of these things.

Mom woke up for a bit in the evening and we talked. I shared with her and Dad the kids' experience at the concert we went to on Wednesday. Mom was feeling a bit nauseated, so Dad called hospice to come over. Only no one answered their phones, so he went to the next nurse on the list. No answer there either, so he called the sherrif's office to have hospice paged (standard procedure if hospice can't be reached). Since Dad is a First Responder and fireman, he has a pager similar to hospice, so we kind of listened to that. No page. Luckily, the nurse on-call saw that she'd missed a call and called Dad and got over to help Mom. She gave Mom a shot and increased the amount of medication admistered by the pain pump so that Mom's quality of sleep could improve a little. When she left, she told us that Mom's color, etc. had deteriorated even since she'd seen Mom earlier in the day. She talked about how systems may start shutting down and how she's seen patients with weaker hearts than Mom's continue on.

After she left, Dad and I shared a few tears, then he started telling me about them finalizing things with the funeral home. Mom is being cremated, so we'll have a limitied time to get home if we want to view her before that is done. Dad said Mark is likely going to go view Mom but that he, Dad, won't as he doesn't want to remember her like that. I'm torn. I kind of feel it is my duty as her child, but I know that is just going to be an empty shell, where her soul dwelt until it is set free. Instead of actually deciding, I am going to leave it that if Mark wants me along for support, I'll go along. If not, I don't think I will. When I left today and gave Mom a kiss, I kissed living flesh. I'd prefer that memory.

It sounds as though one of Dad's sisters will play at the service. Also was told that it will be a pretty standard service and that Dad isn't expecting a lot of people to show up. I think (hope) he'll be surprised. He said that we can chose to have Mom's remains there or not, a decision he, Mark, and I will make after everything happens.

He and Mom also decided on the marker. It will read, "PEACE." Something we've all been praying Mom will find so that she doesn't have to suffer much longer.

I asked about what will happen immediately after Mom dies. Dad will call hospice and they'll come and arrange for the funeral home to come. He'll also call some friends of the family, David and Linda Johnson, to come and be with him. Mark and I will be called, of course, and will en route ASAP. I was very worried that Dad would be alone when Mom dies. I was relieved to hear that there are plans in place.

Mom did eat a little this morning. She had me mix up some pear nectar with a couple of ice cubes, basically to make a slush. She got through a little of it and had kept it down still by the time I'd left. I ended up making more with the remaining nectar. She's probably getting the equivalent of 2 oz. of the nectar, but said it was good. She is still getting up to use the toilet, still taking in fluids.

The Johnson's stopped this morning to check in on things (as they've been doing periodically, which I know I appreciate SO much). Linda commented on how much she has learned from what Mom has been and is going through and also by watching Dad. She said she is blown away by Dad in this whole thing.

I know that I am as well. As I was driving back today, I was thinking about what Dad has been through in the last year and how he has been there for Mom, never complaining, always patient with her, treasuring whatever remainng moments he has. I thought about how as a kid, I wanted to grow up to be a fireman or an airline pilot. Now I know that I want to grow up to be my dad. I am proud of him for everything he's done for Mom and for himself in the last year. I've always had love, respect and pride where Dad was concerned - everything is heightened now and not because he's about to be my only parent.

When I left, I told Mom that Amy and the kids loved her. I also told her a couple times that I loved her (but it still feels like I could never tell her that enough) and she told me that she loved me.

Had a very good talk with Dad before I left. I feel he is accepting this and is as at peace with it as any of us can be right now. He doesn't want to lose her, but admitted he's been praying for God to come and take her so she doesn't have to suffer anymore. That's what I've been praying for as well.

Got back yesterday (technically 2 days ago as it IS Sunday already) from visiting my parents. It was a good visit. Mom is getting weaker and more forgetful, but she still has her sense of humor. We still see getting the time with her as a blessing, though Mom is worried that Dad will begin to get resentful of her.

Mom's brother and SIL from OK visited on Tues. and part of Wed. We got there Wed. afternoon. Mom was sitting w. Dad at the dining room table, visiting with their friends, David and Linda Johnson.

Mom was usually up the most in the evenings as she didn't want a major nap before she'd be trying to go to sleep, so we talked about everything that came to mind. No major revelations, though I did find out that I was conceived around the same time Dad's dad passed away. Eventually, I'll have to ask Dad about that. Also found out that Mom's mom was married a couple more times than I'd once been told.

I also asked Mom about a science project she and a friend did for school. They used to be able to buy chicks in different colors around Easter, so they wanted to replicate it in an experiment. So they calculated how long it would take to hatch the eggs, built an incubator, acquired the eggs, injected the dye at the appropriate time and waited. The chicks all hatched, all different colors. A couple of days before they were to bring the chicks in to school, Mom's brother, Neil, who was home from the service on leave, decided to give the chicks a chance to scratch around in the dirt outside. That wasn't a good idea as my grandmother had a dog that HATED chickens. The dog slaughtered them all. Mom said they went on to acquire some chicks and dipped them in a water-based dye. They ended up looking like the ones they'd raised for real, except for leaving a trail around the water dish. Mom isn't sure if Neil approached the science teacher or if he'd somehow heard about the misfortune, but he gave them a descent grade.

On Wednesday, I went with Dad to run a few errands around town. He is having a rough time as he knows his time with Mom is limited. He is trying to make her last days as comfortable as possible.

Thursday, we ended up taking the kids to Slayton to a used book store there so my parents could get a nap without the noise from the kids. When we got back, the house was quiet. Amy told me that when we'd pulled up, she'd seen a figure all in white looking out the front door. My blood ran cold because I didn't think there was anyone awake in the house. I was comforted that there was maybe an angel there to take Mom home, but I was still not able to deal with the shock of the whole thing. That was mild heart attack # 1 of the last few days.

As it turns out, Dad had been awake and had looked out the door when we arrived. He hadn't napped at that point, so we ended up taking the kids to the park to play for a bit. I think both managed to get some sleep.

I had a pretty good crying jag on Thurs. night. I ended up staring at the walls in my old room (which was first my parents, then my brother's...) and thinking of how when I was a little boy, if I got scared at night by a nightmare or a thunderstorm, I'd go into my parent's room (the one I was in that night) and crawl in with them and feel totally secure. The cry was good. I'd not really let go much since earlier in the week.

We ended up leaving Friday. Mom's friend Linda had come down for a bit in the morning, so we were able to go with Dad to take the kids to the fire station to look at the trucks while Linda stayed with Mom. I think Dad's sisters were coming to visit Friday afternoon. Haven't heard from Dad since, so I'm probably going to call tomorrow.

We took our clothes for the memorial and left them there. One less thing to have to remember when the time comes. I wish I'd thought when we were there the previous Sat. to grab the CD's with the songs for the memorial on it, so I could have had those burned onto a CD that would have been left as well.

Mild heart attack #2 : My cell phone rang at 2:47 AM Saturday morning. Ended up being a wrong number. Once I realizxed the phone was ringing, I thought it was my Dad calling to tell me Mom was gone. I know that will likely be coming soon.

I was charged with getting the music prepared for Mom's memorial service. I'm not sure what order the two songs will go in, so I burned two CD's. Gotta tell you. Listening to the CDs to be sure that they burned okay and knowing when and where I'll likely hear these again isn't a fun thing. Mom picked a couple of great songs to be played - one was picked out before she even got serious about planning her memorial. She picked it because she wanted us to remember the good times, the laughter, and to celebrate her life.

Left things with Mom much as I had last week. We said our goodbyes and our "I love you"s. Before that, Mom said she felt that she'd be seeing us again before she died, so she wasn't sad about our leaving. I pray that is true.

I'm going to bed. Tomorrow will be another day.

Have had music running through my head over the past day or so. Decided to post the lyrics. First is "Walk On" by U2:

Walk On
------------------------------------------------------------------------

And love
Is not the easy thing
The only baggage
That you can bring
Not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind


And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong


Walk on
Walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it


Walk on
Walk on
Stay safe tonight


You're packing a suitcase for a place
None of us has been
A place that has to be believed
To be seen


You could have flown away
A singing bird
In an open cage
Who will only fly
Only fly for freedom


Walk on
Walk on
What you got
You can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it


Walk on
Walk on
You stay safe tonight


And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
You can only take so much


Walk on
Walk on


Home
Hard to know what it is
If you never had one


Home
I can't say where it is
But I know I'm going


Home
That's where the hurt is


And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on


Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind


All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break


All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind


All that you reason
All that you care

It's only time
And I'll never fill up all I find

All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
And all that you see


All you create
All that you wreck
All that you hate



The next is a song my the Indigo Girls. I've not been thinking so much about the song in its entirety, more a small portion of it. The song is "Dead Man's Hill":

postcards to the one i miss forever
the one i miss forever

don’t you write it down
remember this in your head
don’t take a picture
remember this in your heart
i’ll leave a message
when everything comes apart


A snippet from Sarah McLachlan:
Hold On

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell.


And more from her:
Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

We went and saw my parents on Saturday. Mom is sleeping a lot, not constantly, though, so we were able to talk. She said that she knew when the cancer came back that she would likely not have the strength to fight it. We talked about how proud we were of her for fighting as hard and as long as she did. We cried together and prayed together. Mom is confident that she'll be going to heaven.

It is comfort to think that the pain she's felt over the past year will soon disappear and she'll leave her earthly body behind. I'm just going to miss her SO much. I definitely feel better after talking with her and after seeing Dad. He's accepted that this will be the end as well. It hurts seeing him in pain because I know his pain isn't going to end any time soon. Mom's likely will within a week or so.

Before we left, I had my final talk with Mom. I pray that it wasn't truly the final talk, but if it is, I'm satisfied with what we said. We talked about my family and how Accalia has a problem with pooping in the toilet. I'd had similar problems as a child and Mom expressed regret that she'd shamed me about that. I don't really remember my parent's making a huge deal about the whole thing, but there are apparently some episodes Mom is recalling. I told her I didn't think I needed to forgive her for anything, but that if it would make her feel better, I'd forgive her. She was relieved by this and said it may help her move a little closer to moving on. I had a very difficult time leaving the room. I finally did. She said "Goodbye." I told her I loved her and she said she loved me. If those are the last words I hear from my mother, they are more than enough.

The kids and Amy all got to see Mom. Accalia gave her a kiss on the forehead. Not sure if Cole gave any kisses, but he was in and out of the room while we were in there with Mom. It did her good to see the grandkids.

Mark and his familly arrived Sat. evening. They have not told their kids about Mom's condition or that it might be the last time they see her alive. We have been up front with our kids about it. Accalia knows that her grandma is going to heaven and will be with Lucy. She doesn't have any sadness about it and is happy that Grandma Nelson will be going to live with Jesus. At 2, I doubt Cole has any understanding about what is about to happen. My niece is 11, my nephew is going to be 8 or 9, my other nephew is 3. When my dad's mother died, I was about the same age as my niece and I knew of my grandma's condition. I was sad, but at least I knew what was going to happen and could treasure the time I had with her.

Amy went out today and bought clothes for the kids to wear to the funeral. I tried on my suir yesterday to see if it would do. It's a bit snug, but will work. I don't want to buy a new suit. I'm not being cheap, I just don't want a suit that I always think of as "the suit I bought for my mother's funeral."

Mom's brother and his wife stopped on their way back to WI after they'd vacationed in the SW U.S. He had been one of the biggest advocates of her fighting the cancer. He has come to accept that there is nothing more to be done and I think got to say his goodbyes to Mom. Her mother, step-father, sister, and brother-in-law were going there today. I think her brother from OK will also be up, though I don't know for sure.

We're planning on being there on Wednesday and part of Thursday. I have no idea how Mom will be. At this point, she is continuing to do okay. I think when she does take a turn, it will be mercifully quick. Please God, let it be quick and as painless as possible.

I'd love to say that today was beautiful and uplifting. It wasn't. It wasn't the hell on earth that I felt when Mom was first diagnosed. That hollow pit in my gut is back. Feels like nothing will fill it ever. Don't like that feeling. Means that I'm in mourning.

I have discovered today that we'll have a lot of support in the weeks and months ahead. Amy's family has been great with offers to help with the kids if we need it, etc. I do feel like I was blessed twice when I married her. I got her and I became a member of her family.

Accalia was told last night that Grandma Nelson will soon be going to live in heaven with God. Her response was that grandma will be where Lucy is. She seems okay with Mom going there, maybe because Lucy's death paved the way for her to understand death a little more.

Amy has been my rock. She's been so good about listening and holding me and crying with me. We spent some time recalling some funny moments with my mom, like when she thought Amy couldn't have possibly seen a skunk outside of my parent's house or when the automatic shut off wasn't working on a gas pump Mom was using and she yelled, "I can hear it getting to the top. What do I do?!?!?" Even now, I think of those things and can smile. I'm happy that there are so many good and funny memories of my mom. Even just remembering playing board games with her on Sunday afternoons or how she'd play Pac-Man on our Atari and move her whole body along with the joystick.

Heard Amy talking with one of the kids earlier tonight about going to visit "Grandma and Grandpa Nelson" tomorrow. I realized that soon we'll be talking with them about going to visit Grandpa alone.

I'm terrified about tomorrow and seeing Mom She's lost a lot of weight the last time I'd seen her. That doesn't scare me. What scares me is that tomorrow might be the last time I see her, talk to her, hold her hand, kiss her, hear her voice.

I am praying that the end is quick because I don't want her to suffer. I want her to be taken to heaven and never feel pain or fear again.

The fucking cancer returned. I'm convinced that what was taken from around her lungs in early Sept. was the cancer as it moved into the lining of her lungs. The cancer marker in her blood in late August was something like 123. She was re-tested at the end of September. The cancer marker was 368. They tried her on a new chemo regime, but it only knocked her down - nausea especially. She got to make the trip to Oklahoma City with my dad, her sister and brother-in-law, and her mother and step-father. She put off starting the chemo by a week so she'd be able to go. Turns out that week wouldn't have made a difference.

Part of the problems she's had with the cancer is an inability to have a bowel movement. It has been at least two, maybe three weeks since that happened for her. She is also not eating because of the pain in her abdomen, where the cancer started and continues to grow.

Because the chemo. hit her hard, my dad took her to the hospital last Sunday. They gave her a couple of enemas but nothing got moving. She has told my dad that she is done fighting. No more chemo, no more cutting. She is done fighting.

My dad called tonight. The doctor's concur that there is nothing more to be done for my mom. They are sending her home tomorrow to die.

I am so proud of her for putting herself through everything that she did. Since last Thanksgiving, she's not been herself - more like a shadow. But there were some times when I could see that old glimmer. I think Mom guarded that, though as she didn't want us to get our hopes up. I think she knew the whole time that this wasn't something she was beating and that the doctor's estimate of 5-6 years was a crock of shit.

Still, she did the chemo and it probably doubled the time she had left. Amy and I were talking about all the things she got to do and see with her extra time. She got to see Accalia and Cole each have another birthday. She got to see Accalia's first (and second) dance recitals. Got to come to another Riverboat Days parade with us (she really seemed to enjoy that, sitting out in the sun with the grandkids). She got to camp a little bit more and had the time to put things in order.

I am so hurt right now. Thank God for Amy and the kids. I'm scared for Dad. I don't want to say goodbye to Mom. ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!